We're about the only idiots on the block without a cat. I say this because everyone else obviously knows something we don't about those feral felines. I do know that they make my nose water and eyes itch fantastically and that Ryan is deathly allergic, but aside from that, I don't know much.
What I do know is that since we don't have a cat, our yard seems to be neutral territory and all the neighboring cats feel that it's public damn property. I wouldn't mind if a cat wandered through once in a while, but it seems like every five minutes there's a new one in the yard. I can't let Bailey out without first going out and doing a cat sweep. Bailey is terrified of cats (and also wildly unassuming) and I would hate for her to get injured from some strung-out feline. Plus there's the fact that they hunt and kill birds in our yard. That drives me crazy. I'm not keen on the birds getting killed of course, but I realize even cats have to eat (food chain and all that). The problem is the disgusting mess left behind, because let's face it, cats aren't very tidy in their bird maiming/eating frenzy. I don't need my kid or dog playing in remnants.
Of course because our yard is neutral territory, the cats choose to hold their fights there. Cat fights produce the most unsettling noises I've ever been privy to. The usual location for said fights is right outside our bedroom window in the flower bed. I've woken more times lately with the hair standing straight up on my neck than I care to mention. While it explains my wild hair and lack of sleep, I could totally do without all that wretched yodelling.
I imagine the cats have set up their own kind of UFC fighting to be held amongst my precious hollyhocks and poppies. The players in no particular order:
The General
A grey and grizzled war vet. Covered in scars, fresh and old. Sometimes bloodied by a recent battle. Big and confident, this tomcat isn't scared away easily. Can yodel with the best of them.
"Muffy" The Muffin
Muffy is a fluffy unassuming orange house cat. Generally shy, but fairly sweet. Wildly unintelligent. Bullied by most of the other cats on the block. Has to be saved from certain doom several times a week. Also needs to be removed from under vehicles before proceeding to leave the driveway. Bit of a shmuck.
BOW (Black on White)
Wily cat that's new to the neighborhood. Unafraid of being shooed from the yard or driveway. Refuses to leave the yard even when asked politely. If there is a disturbance amongst the cats, this guy is right in the middle of it.
WOB (White on Black)
Brother? Sister? Er, sibling, to BOW. Also wily. Also will not get the hell out of the driveway, yard or flowerbed. In great danger of bodily harm. Backs up BOW in most cat disturbances, or is the cause of them.
Those are the four main players. Of course, it seems like every second day there's a new cat I haven't seen before sauntering around our property. I'm at my wit's end trying to keep them out of the yard and away from pooping in my flowerbeds. That's not the worst part though.
The other day I went down the hall to grab a diaper out of the closet. A great big fluffy orange cat passed me in the hallway, leaving the playroom. I let out a most unladylike gasp/shriek he had scared me so badly. If I hadn't just emptied my bladder prior to that, I would have done it then. The cat, Muffy, exited stage left through the open deck door and under the fence to his own yard. After the fact, Bailey came to my rescue and barked at him from behind the safety of the deck rail. Thanks, dog.
Muffy is an okay cat, but that's outside. I will not tolerate cats in my house! We don't have a cat dammit, there's no reason for one to be inside our sanctuary! Also? Damn, he's big close-up.
Yesterday, BOW or perhaps WOB was in the house (I can't tell them apart). I just about lost my mind, chasing shrieking and trying to find something to throw at him. If I could move just a little faster I would have kicked him right over the rail of the deck. As it was, he was rightfully afraid of the slow moving, slightly waddling freight train of a woman coming after him. He made it through the deck rails and onto the safety of the ground with tons of time to spare, however he sauntered around just out of my reach for what I deem an unnecessary amount of time.
Today those rotten brother cats were both in my yard hunting birds along with yet another unknown feline. I went out the back door to chase them out of the yard, but they would only go so far without me donning shoes and actually chasing them. Since some lovely bird put a poo poo in my Croc on the back step, there wasn't any chasing about to happen.
I have completely had it. How on earth am I going to get rid of all these cats? I was going to be nice and say they could wander through my backyard, but with the recent intrusions INTO MY HOUSE, I say it's war. Any cat on my property from this point on had better be willing to take the heat for trespassing. I might not be very fast right now, but I will get them. Oh, I will.
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